I was working with my business coach, who also happens to be a trauma specialist, 🗣️💼 and we were talking about the choice I made to go back on insurance panels. I explained that I thought we were going to have a recession, and I was doing this to help prevent a decrease in income. She noted that a recession has not yet hit and I did this over a year ago, and that this was a trauma response to predict bad things before they happen. She also noted that my trying to put things in place to prevent them from happening…so as not to get hurt, is also a trauma reaction.  Ugh, insert a stab into the heart here. I knew this. I am a trauma specialist. Unfortunately, what keeps us safe as children, like other trauma responses, can hinder us in adulthood. However, I never really stopped to think how my trauma may show up in my finances-despite a lifelong battle of internal fighting to give myself permission to spend money on things that were for me. So, this is my list of how my finances are impacted by my trauma. Hopefully, in naming them, I will begin to let them go, and help you, the reader, in the process. 💭💡

1. Prediction- I try and predict when there will be lulls in money flow-and adjust to prevent them. How this is rooted in my trauma: growing up in a home where the adults were unpredictable, I had to learn how to anticipate and adapt to their needs to survive. 🏠🔄

2. Fear of Lack-I struggle with the beliefs that lack and maybe even create some lack by spending more than I should when I am in flow. This type of all or nothing thinking comes from my trauma-in that when things were good, they were really good. When things were bad, they were really bad. I learned to take advantage of the good times because I learned to believe that the next bad thing was just around the corner. That belief, while I have worked on it in my personal life, and things are stable, has poured over in my financial life. Take advantage of the good., know the next dry spell is coming. Rather than balancing the ebbs and flows by preparing by saving. 💰💔

3. Putting others first, even if it is to my own detriment. When I make a commitment to others, I like to keep my word. However, sometimes, from a financial standpoint, I struggle to make adaptations to long term commitments because I worry that it will hut others financially, and I feel I can take the financial hit better or easier than they could. This stems from feeling like, as the oldest, I needed to protect my siblings from the chaos in our world. I could take the emotional hits because as the oldest, I understood more of what was happening. 👫🤝

4. Limiting spending on myself, willing to spend on others. This comes from being the oldest and being told I need to take care of the little ones first, because they don’t know what is going on. I became a parentified child-and have continued to put myself last because others may need it more. 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦🤷‍♂️

5. Avoidance-wanting to avoid when I feel overwhelmed with money. Frequently, if my account is too low or if I need to make a big purchase-my anxiety kicks in and I want to just avoid the whole thing. I will typically have an internal freak out, then eventually make a decision-after trying to figure out all that could go wrong. Again, troubleshooting before there is an actual problem. 🌪️💼

6. Hyper-independence-Struggling to ask for help. I know there are others out there that are better at this than I am. That being said, I struggle to ask for help. This hyper independence is a trauma response-it was not safe to ask for help, you may be yelled at, criticized or shamed. It was figure it out, you got this. However, finances don’t necessarily work that way. You have to understand and be taught them and figuring it out can be costly. 🚫🆘

7. Anger towards money. I get angry that others seem to have it easier, that were helped along the way. I get angry when I feel like I have worked so hard, and it’s not flowing. The truth is, this is a part of my trauma. I worked so hard for (fill in the blank here, my degree, my home, my job) and it was not celebrated in an about me way. So, when I work hard, and the finances are not where I want them to be, it feels like once again, things are not showing up. 😡💸

8. Inferiority-Seeing myself as inadequate, I worry. Especially, as I raise my fees, that others will not want to pay me. I feel inadequate because I always felt like “not enough” growing up. This formed a core belief- when you expect a child to take on adult responsibilities, they frequently come up short. 🥺📈

9. Value by contribution-Constant battle with workaholism. I must be actively aware of how much I work. My value came from what I could contribute. Working feels like contributing and I feel in control, even if I am not getting paid. 💼🏃‍♂️

10. People pleasing. I struggle with charging more. Why? Because I want to make my clients happy-so I work with them and have actively had to learn how to hold the line on my fee. It can be hard, and if I am in a bad space, I am more likely to give myself away. The feelings of inadequacy come up. My trauma taught me that people pleasing, also known as fawning was a way to get my needs met. In fee setting, people pleasing helps the other person, and may harm my finances, which eventually could make it so I am less able to help. 😊📊

So, after years of working on my trauma reaction. I am beginning to level up. I am working on setting fees that are right for me and for my family. As I do this work, and rest assured it is work, I am so thankful that I have people, like my coach, understand and call me out on it. I will continue to work on healing this area of my trauma, after all, I am worth it. 💪💫