Vulnerability in the Counseling setting
I want to talk with you about what it is like to be vulnerable when you come into a counselor's office. A lot of people when they come in for the first time, may have not even sought out help before, or may have been struggling seeing someone but they weren't the right fit. A lot of times they have experienced that pain of rejection by other people as well. So coming in and talking to someone about your deepest secrets can often be difficult.
So how is a counselor different from just having a friend? A counselor is capable of looking at things from a non-harsh point and can help you see things from a clearer vision. It is often difficult to be vulnerable with that person because they are essentially a total stranger. The good news is that most counselors have sat on that side of the couch as well and should be able to help you talk about stuff that is extremely difficult and maybe even painful.
Now, does this come easily and quickly? Sometimes it doesn't, and that is not unusual. I have worked with clients for a long time and they will still say "I was afraid to share that with you because I was afraid that you might judge me or make a mean comment about it." The thing about a really good counselor is they are not there to judge you. They are there to help you resolve whatever issues might be happening. The vulnerability piece is definitely difficult but our job is to help you figure out what the pain is that you're experiencing and then help you work through the pain
It is not unusual for people to hang on to things like sexual abuse for a long time and when you approach that subject a client may pull back and say "I’m not ready to deal with that." If you are that patient that is not ready to deal with it, your counselor should give you the space and say "okay we're not going to deal with that right now but we'll come back to it.”
Vulnerability is tough for most people but when you're going into a counselor, don't think that they expect you to give all of your deepest darkest secrets immediately. We are also human beings and we recognize that some things are just too painful to share. However, we also know that if you share it we can work on the healing process. When you get to the other side, you are going to feel a lot better.
Now, knowing a little about the healing process, it is often relieving when you first start sharing your information. If you think about the therapy process as being in a tunnel, when you first go in you might see a little bit of light, but the further you go in the tunnel the darker it may get. Sometimes it gets darker before you see the light again, so expect that when going into the therapy process. Your counselor is there to be with you every step of the way as you're going through that process and opening yourself up.
As a therapist, I know it's hard and I understand how difficult vulnerability can be, however I also know that if you work through the process, there is so much healing on the other end.
My suggestion to you would be to find a therapist that you really trust, and open up to them because they are here to help you heal. I hope this helps! If you've been having some doubts about whether or not you can share something with your therapist and if you have been holding things in, please reach out to them. They are there for you!
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Hey Empaths 3 Reasons Why I want you to be The Bad Guy today
Empaths have a really hard time saying no. Empaths put ourselves in other people's positions and give too much of our time to others, sometimes to the wrong people.
My challenge to you for this week is I really want you to work on being the bad guy. I want you to work on feeling uncomfortable. I know that might seem counterintuitive, but the reason I want you to work on feeling uncomfortable is because often we can't say no to boundaries. Boundaries are hard for us. If we're empaths, we have a really hard time when we say no, because we can feel the other person's disappointment. Those emotions can be confusing to us. They can make it difficult, because on one hand we want to be able to say no, but on the other hand, we feel the other person's disappointment and pain. So a lot of times we'll say yes, even when it's not in our best interest.
Allow it to be okay for you to not feel like you are the hero or the savior or the person that somebody can rely on. It's hard for us to disappoint others. When you're able to say no to people, then you are able to really begin to discern what you want to say yes to and what you don't want to say yes to. Nobody likes being told no. So when you are the bad guy to tell somebody, no, it often upsets them. Don't worry about it. They will get over it. They may not like it, but they will. So give yourself permission.
Often when we're an empathic person that people come to when they really want help or need help, sometimes these may be people that we don't even know. We can be standing in the middle of Target and someone will just come up and start talking to us. So being able to say no and be the bad guy is a part of good self care.
We are capable of jumping in and fixing things. The problem with that is that we are circumventing the person from having their own healthy learning experiences. I often use the example that if we try to prevent our babies from ever falling or bumping their head or skimming their knee, we are actually preventing them from learning. When they fall and bump their head, they experience pain. It allows them to get back up and figure out how to adjust to avoid the pain. Well, emotions can sometimes be like that too. As empaths, we often want to save people from those emotions because we feel pain so deeply. But when we help them avoid their pain, we're actually disabling them from not being able to have their own experiences. I want you to think about that when you're attempting to save other people from their pain. You're actually disabling them, you're not doing them a service.
By taking care of ourselves, we're ultimately able to pick and choose who we want to give our time and energy to. If we're giving it to everybody, we don't have enough time, energy, and emotional resources to give to the people that we really want to focus our energy on. Sometimes that becomes those closest to us. Sometimes that becomes ourselves and things that we need to do for ourselves are all in self care.
Now for me, sometimes I tend to be an emotional reactor. I will often say yes without thinking about it. My first tip is give yourself a minute to think about it. If a minute, isn't long enough, then ask for some time. Sometimes we need time to think about things, we need time to process. The other tip I have for you is to write notes for yourself. Give yourself pointers as to why you're going to say no. You may never need those pointers, but it helps you stay focused when you're talking to the other person. The third tip that I have for you is to trust your gut instinct. You are an empath and you will know if you really take a minute to feel about it. You are going to know whether or not it's the right thing to do and to say. Learning to trust your gut instinct on things is really helpful.
Anyway, those are my tips for this week. I hope to talk to you guys again soon. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to message me!
5 Great Ways To Get Centered when you are feeling Anxious
It’s important to keep yourself grounded in the midst of the chaos. I wanted to share with you today about how to get centered when you're feeling chaotic.
All of us have experienced those times where we feel like our head is spinning. Sometimes it feels like nothing is going as planned and life is just testing you left and right. It’s important to keep yourself grounded in the midst of the chaos. I wanted to share with you today about how to get centered when you're feeling chaotic. There are five ways that I tell my clients that you can get quick, fast relief from a little bit of the stress.
The first way to get some relief from chaos is to do some controlled breathing. It is often recommended breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth to help calm you down. Take a second to do it with me. So you're going to breathe in, hold it for as long as you can, and breathe out through your mouth and repeat this as many times as you need to. Another way to do this is to block off one nostril, breathe in through that nostril, switch to blocking off the other nostril, and then breathe out through that nostril. That's a quick strategy to get yourself centered. The alternate nostril breathing technique gets both sides of your brain talking and calms you down pretty quickly.
The second thing you can do to get yourself centered is visualize. Visualize yourself in a calmer state of mind. Visualize not only when you're in the midst of chaos, but also while you're in a relaxed state. While you're in a relaxed state of mind, you can touch a part of your body and that will teach you that when you touch this spot, it will trick your brain into thinking you're calming down. There's an acupuncture point that I recommend using as your grounding point. You go straight up from your hand, on your wrist, there's a little divot there. If you squeeze that when you're not feeling calm you will trick your body into thinking that you're supposed to feel relaxation during that time. The other thing is to visualize a peaceful place, whatever that peaceful place is for you. For some people, it's the beach or a mountain stream. But take just about 15 seconds and visualize yourself there. It will help your body recognize that you are moving to become this.
The third thing you can do is let go and trust your higher power. Now not everyone believes in a higher power. And that's perfectly okay! If you do, or if you don’t, realizing things are out of your control is a way to bring some calm to your chaos. Sometimes when we're feeling chaotic, it's because of internal feelings. So reminding yourself that chaos is sometimes about things falling into place, not falling apart. When we clean out a closet, our closet is completely empty and our bedroom is chaos. But when we start putting stuff back together, we're actually cleaning some of the chaos is the beginning of putting things back together. So always remind yourself of that.
Another strategy to seek calm throughout chaos is to get outside for just a few minutes. If you can sit in the grass for 15 minutes, studies show that your anxiety levels and your depression levels decrease. This is a great thing to do, especially if you have kids. Take them outside, sit in the grass, make sure your feet or your hands are touching the Earth. If you're sitting on concrete, it doesn't have the same effect. So get your body grounded, get outside, make sure that you're getting fresh air every day.
The fifth thing is if you have a pet, put your hands on them and pet them. Most pet owners know about the immediate joys that come with sharing their lives with companion animals. This actually helps calm you down and fills the basic human need for touch. Petting, hugging, or otherwise touching a loving animal can rapidly calm and soothe you when you’re stressed or anxious. It's a quick way to help you get calm by taking a few minutes and petting an animal.
Those are the five quick strategies I tell my clients to help get grounded when things are feeling hectic. If there is more you'd like to know about, or if you want me to go into more details with a couple of these strategies, please leave let me know! That would be super helpful so I can give you guys more of what you're looking for. I can even do a meditation for you all if you think that's something you'd like. I look forward to talking to you!
It's not Personal, I just don't want to hang out with you.
This is going to sound awful. The thing it, it is not personal, I just don’t want to hang out with you. I really don’t like people. I mean, I like them well enough. I love working with people, I love my career. I love being a Mom, a wife, and a friend. I love giving to others. It’s just, I am an introvert and an extrovert. I fall right on the line, in between the two on all of those personality scales they make you take in school. So, the thing is, that after spending the day with people, giving presence and support, at night, I don’t necessarily want to hang out. Most evenings, I just want to sit home, give time to my kids and husband, veg, play on facebook, read, do lone tasks that allow me to nurture my introvert side.
Occasionally, it makes me feel like a bad friend. At times, I have had people get mad at me because they don’t feel like I am present enough for them. They deserve that. Everyone deserves friends that are involved and available. You deserve someone that can be fully present, that can listen to your concerns. You deserve a friend that will spend hours with you on the phone. You deserve someone that can really help you problem solve. The thing is, I am not necessarily the person that will be able to meet those expectations. If I have worked all day, or had a particularly hard week, I can’t be that emotional support for you. I can’t hang out and listen to your problems. I can’t encourage you, or be your cheerleader. I can’t because I am having to focus that energy on being present for myself…I have used all my energy for that day. I can’t choose you over me. Please know though, it is not really about you, it is my need to recharge and revive. I care deeply about you. I am setting boundaries with you, so that I can care for me. It is hard for me to set these boundaries, it is hard for me to say “No.” However, I have learned that sometimes, in the line of work I have chosen, I have to go inward. I have to check out. I have to be self centered. I have to self care, or ultimately, I can not do what I do.
Please know, that if I can, I will give. If I can do it without draining myself, I will. When we do hang out though, I want to be fully present. I want t both enjoy you and be enjoyable. I want to listen, laugh, and spend time with the people I care about in ways that are meaningful. I want to actually be there for you. So if that means that to be present, I have to hang out less, and exchange quality for quantity, I am willing to do so. Just know, if I say no, I can’t hang out, it’s not personal. I am just keeping a promise to myself to self care. My hope will be that you will do the same. I will expect you to not want to hang out, need to self care and I will appreciate the time we have. I will not take it personal.
Love and Healing,
Laura
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Talking About Sex with Your Kids
So a few weekends ago, my friend and I took the kids to the Museum of Science and Industry. Now, I am all about educating children about their body parts, so I was super excited about the human body exhibit. Seeing teen parents first hand, I am all about having your children know what sex is, long before they are contemplating having it. I was a sexual abuse counselor for a lot of years, so it is important to me that my kids know the proper name of genitalia.I know education is one of the best ways to help prevent sexual abuse. Give kids the proper name…a penis is not a ding dong, a weiner, a one eyed snake, it is a penis…empower your kids, give them the tools to be able to tell if someone touches them inappropriately. The best age to teach kids the name of their sex organs is the same time you teach them the name of their head, shoulders, knees and toes….make a couple of extra stops and teach breast, buttocks, penis, vulva and vagina.
The museum had a whole display on the developing fetus (awesome!)…the questions of how does the baby get in there were answered and discussed when I was pregnant with my second. We read the books when he was four and five about how the sperm and the ovum come together, and a baby is conceived. At age six, my son asked me a burning question “How does the sperm get in there Mom?” My son “really needed to know”, like it was this universal puzzle and he just could not figure it out. So, true to form and in alignment with my belief that knowledge is power, we had the sex conversation at six. He was informed that each child develops at their own pace, and that it is not his job to educate his peers, their parents needed to this. Amazingly, he followed this request.
The next display at the museum was on the developing body. Since I have boys, and one is nine, puberty is not far off, we focused on the male body…how the scrotum drops, the penis extends, they get hair under their pits and in their pelvic area. I am standing there thinking “okay this is good…a natural way to bring up the conversation, I want him to be prepared.” (This is that part of the story, where you feel like a good parent….) A girl came by, all the boys ran in a circle away from the video, and then came running back to gather the needed education. In proud Momma form, I stood by to answer questions, but allowed them to discover.
As my son and his friend ran ahead, while I helped my younger one with another exhibit, I could see them watching a video. I sat down just in time to catch the tail end of the show. Thank goodness, I did. It gave me just enough to to gather my wits.
Now, I thought I was prepared. I thought okay, sex conversations are just touch ups from here on out. He has the basics, so around age twelve, we can start having he conversations about condoms and birth control. However, I was not quite prepared for this trip to the museum. You see, my kids learned more science than industry. The barrage of questions started:
Mom, what is an STD? A sexually transmitted disease.
How can you get them? by having sex.
Does everyone get them? not everyone, but everyone can get them.
Can you get rid of them? some you can, others you cant. There are different levels. Explained the levels and types.
Do they hurt? some do. Some you don’t know you have.
Can they kill you? some can.
What is the best way to not get them? by not having sex, but you can prevent them by taking care of your body, and making sure you and your mate are clean when you decide to mate
Do You have an STD? (WHAT In The WORLD!) Well my love, that is a question you ask your mate, and since you and I are not going to mate, that is not a question you need the answer too.
For days the questions came, just as they had when he first learned about sex, and he “had to know, how does the sperm get in there.” I answered each question, just as I had then, in a honest, matter of fact tone…the boring tone that gave facts, not judgement. I answered the questions because he asked, and if kids ask, they are ready for the answers. Too often, as parents, we think we know when the right time will be, but with sex talk, it is about letting your child take the lead. Allow the conversations to come up, answer honestly right from the start. Sex is a natural part of life, and when you treat it as such, your kids feel safe. It is hard to have these conversations, it is. I just believe, that if they can have these conversations with you, then they can have them with their future partner/s and not be embarrassed.
At the end of the week, my son said to me “Mom, you know, I think I am going to wait until I am thirty to have sex, it is just too dangerous.” With my Momma pride about to burst, I thought: I hope you make safe choices son, I hope you do.
Love and Healing,
Laura
For more information on educating your kids about sex:
RAINN/Protecting Your child from Sexual Assault
